A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn't mind doing the confessions whilst he's away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.

The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "Forgive me father, f [...]

A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn't mind doing the confessions whilst he's away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.

The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. "You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass."

Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.

Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a man's cock in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"

Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."

After a pikey wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a 'romany' wedding:

Pikey Best Man: "Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the cunt as hard as he could."

Judge: "Gosh, that must have hurt."

[...]

After a pikey wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a 'romany' wedding:

Pikey Best Man: "Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the cunt as hard as he could."

Judge: "Gosh, that must have hurt."

Pikey Best Man: "Hurt? You're not kidding me - he broke three of me fucking fingers."

David Beckham is due on the pitch for a training session and he's nowhere to be seen.

His new Galaxy manager goes looking for him and finds him in the dressing room and says, "hey, David, why are you in here and not on the pitch?"

David says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle that Victoria gave me."

Manager: "I don't care about a damn puzzle, get out on the pitch."

David: "No.. I've been trying for weeks to [...]

David Beckham is due on the pitch for a training session and he's nowhere to be seen.

His new Galaxy manager goes looking for him and finds him in the dressing room and says, "hey, David, why are you in here and not on the pitch?"

David says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle that Victoria gave me."

Manager: "I don't care about a damn puzzle, get out on the pitch."

David: "No.. I've been trying for weeks to do this jigsaw, and it's all I can think of right now."

Manager: "What's the puzzle of?"

David: "It's a tiger."

The manager looks over David's shoulder at the puzzle laid out on the floor and says, "For fucks sake! Put the Frosties back in box and get out on the pitch!"

An old Jewish grandmother has been given the task of looking after her grandson for the day. She decides to take him to the seaside for the day, and once there settles herself down on a deck-chair whilst the grandson is happily building sand castles by the shore.

All of a sudden, a giant wave rolls up the beach, and drags the little boy out to sea. The horrified grandmother raises her arms to the heavens and wails "Oh God, help me, I've been so faithful to you, help me this onc [...]

An old Jewish grandmother has been given the task of looking after her grandson for the day. She decides to take him to the seaside for the day, and once there settles herself down on a deck-chair whilst the grandson is happily building sand castles by the shore.

All of a sudden, a giant wave rolls up the beach, and drags the little boy out to sea. The horrified grandmother raises her arms to the heavens and wails "Oh God, help me, I've been so faithful to you, help me this once please"

Seconds later, another giant wave rolls up the beach and dumps the bewildered boy back onto the sand.

The grandmother takes one look at the boy and once raises her arms skyward and shouts "he had a hat on, you know"

Three guys are chatting in a pub about their wives constant nagging. One of them decides that it would be quite funny to take the wife literally and do what they actually ask. They all agree to do exactly what their wife asks when they get through the door that evening.

The first man gets home a bit pissed and as he walks through the front door, he accidentally knocks over a vase. His dearly beloved shouts " That's right, you smash the whole fucking house up!" So he goes t [...]

Three guys are chatting in a pub about their wives constant nagging. One of them decides that it would be quite funny to take the wife literally and do what they actually ask. They all agree to do exactly what their wife asks when they get through the door that evening.

The first man gets home a bit pissed and as he walks through the front door, he accidentally knocks over a vase. His dearly beloved shouts " That's right, you smash the whole fucking house up!" So he goes to the garage, gets a big hammer and trashes the whole house.

The second guy gets home, sits down on the sofa and lights up a fag. Two minutes later he drops some ash on the carpet, and his wife comments sarcastically. "Burn the house down, why don't you?" Without a word, he gets up, goes to the shed, and returns with a can of petrol. Splashing the fuel liberally throughout the martital home he sets the whole house ablaze.

The third guy gets home, and finds his wife asleep. He jumps in bed next to her and feeling a bit horny, starts to rub her minge. She promptly wakes up a says "You can cut that out"