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The best of stopher's 22 jokes (View All)
| A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?" |    |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Football - Tagged supermarket , job , tosser , football - Current Score: 207 - Added: 9 months ago
| What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross? "Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday." | |
Joke by stopher, in Religion and racism > Jesus - Tagged jesus , eggs , cross , monday - Current Score: 134 - Added: 5 months, 16 days ago
| New sex drug on the market. It's called viazac. Half viagra, half prozac. Its fantastic- if you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck. | |
Joke by stopher, in Sex and shit > Viagra - Tagged new , fuck , fuck - Current Score: 93 - Added: 6 days ago
| Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......" | |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Men - Tagged convicts , jail , cards , skiing - Current Score: 78 - Added: 9 months ago
| An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, "I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I'd have a football team." The American said, "I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I'd have an american football team." The Arab said, " I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!" | |
Joke by stopher, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged english , american , arab - Current Score: 58 - Added: 9 months ago
| Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure. | |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Men - Tagged men , women , fart - Current Score: 54 - Added: 9 months ago
| Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. "Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." | |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Grandma - Tagged jonny , grandma , prayer - Current Score: 52 - Added: 9 months ago
| An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well," he replied, "I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am." "I'm a lesbian," she said. "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower I think about women. While I watch TV or even eat I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was," he replied, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian." | |
Joke by stopher, in Sex and shit > Lesbian - Tagged lesbian , cowboy women , cattle - Current Score: 44 - Added: 9 months ago
| An Irishman walks into work with both ears bandaged up. The boss says, "What the hell happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shit! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, I had to call the fucking doctor!" | |
Joke by stopher, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irishman , doctor , boss - Current Score: 42 - Added: 6 months ago
| A beautiful woman is lying in a hospital bed about to undergo minor surgery. Soon after she is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone. While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her. When a third man comes over and begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient. "All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough," she says. "But when will I be having my operation?" The first man shrugs his shoulders. "Beats me. We're just painting the landing." | |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Job - Tagged woman , corridor , coat , painting - Current Score: 41 - Added: 9 months ago
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