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The best of templett's 9 jokes (View All)
| There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face |    |
Joke by templett, in Sex and shit > General - Tagged confession , sex , religion - Current Score: 153 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," he says. So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell and the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "When I was here previously, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "When you were last here, we were campaigning...... Today you have voted." | |
Joke by templett, in Jokes with no home > Elections - Tagged senator , heaven , hell , testing , voting , elections - Current Score: 115 - Added: 10 months, 24 days ago
| A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over the hallway carpet. He continued, "And if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat what's left." "Well," the old lady said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the power got cut off this morning." | |
Joke by templett, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged salesmen , old women - Current Score: 91 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says. 'That's cool.' says Bobby. Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!' Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!' About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!' | |
Joke by templett, in Jokes with no home > Dating - Tagged 1950s , twist , screw , sex , innuendo - Current Score: 48 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| What's the difference between a circus act and some lap dancers? One's a cunning array of stunts and the other is... | |
Joke by templett, in Jokes with no home > Whats the difference... - Tagged circus , lap dancers - Current Score: 47 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. | |
Joke by templett, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged rich , death , father , fortune , widow - Current Score: 45 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap." | |
Joke by templett, in Jokes with no home > Mummy, Mummy - Tagged bus , seat , lap - Current Score: 45 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A little boy and his mum were sitting on plane one day, and the little boy turns to his mum and asks "Mum if big dogs have little baby dogs, and big cats have little baby cats, why don't big planes have little baby planes?" The mother unsure how to answer the questions says "Ask the stewardess" So the little boy turns to the stewardess and asks "if big dogs have little baby dogs, and big cats have little baby cats, why don't big planes have little baby planes?" The stuardess thinks for a while, and replies: "Because Ryanair always pulls out on time, go and ask your mother what that means". | |
Joke by templett, in Sex and shit > Pregnancy - Tagged sex education , planes , animals , children - Current Score: 27 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "Ill just look the other way." So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?" | |
Joke by templett, in Religion and racism > Nuns - Tagged nun , hooters , penis , drink - Current Score: 11 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
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