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The best of vasocam's 12 jokes (View All)
| Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!" |    |
Joke by vasocam, in Illness and mortality > AIDS - Tagged cancer , aids , dying , father - Current Score: 346 - Added: 8 months, 30 days ago
| A copper in Bradford stops a Muslim leading a cow down the street. He asks "What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?" "I'm taking it home to keep it in my house." "What about all the flies and shit?" "It will just have to get used to them." | |
Joke by vasocam, in Sex and shit > Paedophilia - Tagged muslim , cow , bradford - Current Score: 164 - Added: 10 months ago
| The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook. Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer. Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer. Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!". So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!" | |
Joke by vasocam, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged sas , paras , police , rabbit , squirrel - Current Score: 117 - Added: 9 months ago
| Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who bldy gud I fel. I cud fuk a Duk...! | |
Joke by vasocam, in Illness and mortality > Doctor - Tagged doctor , baileys , prozac - Current Score: 100 - Added: 2 months, 29 days ago
| It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the love child of the late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle. A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname. | |
Joke by vasocam, in Celebrity and news events > Beyonce - Tagged beyonce , roy castle - Current Score: 93 - Added: 9 months ago
| When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!" "True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once." | |
Joke by vasocam, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged gates , microsoft , titanic , saint peter - Current Score: 90 - Added: 10 months ago
| I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself? Cheers | |
Joke by vasocam, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged affair , halfords , car - Current Score: 78 - Added: 10 months ago
| A Little Welsh lad is practising his free kicks at Derby. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, every one finds the back of the net. Paul Jewel is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man. "How old are you son?" asks the Rams Boss "13" Replies the young fellow. "Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues Jewel "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Derby 1st team" "Fuck off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh" | |
Joke by vasocam, in Jokes with no home > Football - Tagged welsh , derby , paul jewel - Current Score: 58 - Added: 9 months ago
| A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway. About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp's hand. Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions. Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp's usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my fucking arse sore". | |
Joke by vasocam, in Jokes with no home > Tramps - Tagged tramp , gay , wine - Current Score: 57 - Added: 10 months ago
| A woman in Boots sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, "Is that price correct?" "Sure is," says the manager, "It's a special offer, 5 boxes for a pound and there are no strings attached!" | |
Joke by vasocam, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged chemist , tampax , boots - Current Score: 48 - Added: 1 year ago
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