zip has a score of 951 at the moment.
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The best of zip's 16 jokes (View All)
| Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy. |    |
Joke by zip, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged bitch , housewife , ironing - Current Score: 252 - Added: 1 year ago
| My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?" I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That's not a crossroads, you silly cow, that's a T-Junction" | |
Joke by zip, in Jokes with no home > Jimmy Carr - Tagged girlfriend , relationship , driving , bad drivers - Current Score: 131 - Added: 9 months, 26 days ago
| ::. ..: :::. :.....: :::. : : ..... :.:.: :.:... ::..:: :: :.::..: :::...::: :: :.. ::.: ::.. ... . :: :::... :.:.:.:. :: ... :...:. :: . :: ..: Lots of love Stevie Wonder | |
Joke by zip, in Celebrity and news events > Stevie Wonder - Tagged braille , stevie wonder , blind - Current Score: 67 - Added: 10 months, 14 days ago
| The Pope is having some work done in the vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "Fucking Hell!" he cries. The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering" Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says the carpenter. With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers, "Fucking Hell" says the pope. | |
Joke by zip, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged pope , swearing , religion , jesus - Current Score: 63 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A Jew trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered: "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million pounds to you?" And God replied: "A million pounds is like a penny." Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute." | |
Joke by zip, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged god , money , jews - Current Score: 56 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc. The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up. On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five. Half pissed and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate. He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the bell. Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says..... "Come on you little fuckers, get a move on, we're never going to get ready at this fucking rate!" | |
Joke by zip, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged wife , husband , dinner party , beach - Current Score: 55 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| "I'm going to the doctor," says Mary. "Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara. "I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm." Sara says, "why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you`re a bit chubby" | |
Joke by zip, in Sex and shit > Ejaculation - Tagged sperm , fat , swallow , spit , doctor - Current Score: 52 - Added: 1 year ago
| Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife. Best swap I've ever made! | |
Joke by zip, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged wife , fishing , swap - Current Score: 50 - Added: 1 year ago
| Noah on the ark says to his wife. "I'm really bored, I'm going to do a bit of fishing" and wanders off. He's back half an hour later. "I'm still bored" His wife say's "I thought you were going to do a bit of fishing, why stop after half an hour?" He says "Well I only had two worms" | |
Joke by zip, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged fishing , worms , chritianity , moses - Current Score: 41 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A lady walks into a Gun Shop and asks for help in choosing a rifle "It's for my husband" she says. "Did he say what caliber he wanted?" the assistant asked. The lady replied "You must be joking, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!" | |
Joke by zip, in Jokes with no home > Divorce - Tagged guns divorce husband wife shooting - Current Score: 28 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
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