American Jokes

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I have finally found out how to stop Americans voting all the jokes down. Well it won't work for ever, but for hours at least.

Americans: read the sentence below.

Americans: read the sentence above.
A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

"Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."
Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

They say "pants" we say "trousers"

They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".