Austrian Jokes

copsncrooks posted: When on holiday, I like to show everyone just how British I am by offering them heroin out of my turban
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tazz99 replied: Really, I like to show how British I am by losing one of my children.
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I'm Austrian my children don't go on holidays.
When an Austrian man was asked when he should start to teach his daughter about sex education, he replied "You should keep them in the dark as long as possible."
I've just bought this Austrian girl's diary off ebay. It's not very interesting, it just says:

Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in...
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing forthcoming projects.

Stallone says, "Why don't we do some sorta action movie about classical composers? I've always fancied playing Beethoven."

"Brilliant," says van Damme, "I'm sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky."

Seagal nods and says, "I've got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys."

Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says...

"I'll be Bach."
So, a daughter in the cellar, and an axe murderer in the closet.

I can't help but feel the Austrians are taking the game of Cluedo a little too seriously.
It has just been revealed that Brian Blessed's wife has been found in a cellar beneath their house. The cellar was completely sound proof. The twist is she built it herself.
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of my house's Cellair

In west Austria born and raised
Fucking my daughter is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
and building incest dungeons underneath my pool
I took three kids out cuz they were all good
told my wife they were just children from the neighbourhood.
I fucked just one of my daughters the police got scared
But they don't know the pin-code to my daughter's Cellair.

They called the partyvan and when it got near
The license plate said "AUSTRIA" and it had dice in the mirror
"you crazy" they said, "those ideas in your head are rare,"
I said, "cool homes, it's rape time, home, to Cellair!"

She crawled out the house after 7 offspring
And she yelled to the cops "Yo, I can't speak German!"
But I'm still pimping, I got three more lairs,
so come and party with me, in my second Cellair.
The BBC have reported that 10% of the population of Vienna are out watching the match tonight.

Or 15% if you include the people in basements.