Muslim Jokes

A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.

"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."

"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.

"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."

"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.

This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.

The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "Save The Ancient Woodland" posters and banners. So I decided to go down there and take the piss.

"Chop 'em all down, we need the logs!" I cried.

"Go away, you monster!" one of the hippies shouted.

"Seriously," I laughed, "you know they're going to do it so you're wasting your time. What are they building anyway, a motorway? An airport?"

"A mosque," he replied.

I've been protesting with them for three days now.
I had a phone call from the school today.

They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are Cunts' in giant letters across the playground."

"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."

"Well, he did."  she replied, "I watched him."

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner."
Minority groups are campaigning for more Muslim families to be in EastEnders.

That would be too far fetched though - everyone knows that Muslims wouldn't go near a soap.