Scottish Jokes

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
Andy Murray during Wimbledon: The most promising tennis player in Britain.
Andy Murray after Wimbledon: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.
Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
200 quid for a UEFA Cup ticket

120 quid for a train ticket to Manchester

60 quid for overnight accommodation

The look on Rangers fans when they realise that Scottish football is still shit. PRICELESS!!!
Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale."