Priest Jokes

What does a Catholic priest have in common with a pint of guinness?

If you get a bad one, they both have serious repercussions for your arse.
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
I went to church and sat in the confession box, then spoke regretfully of how I had committed terrible acts of paedophilia.

"Why are you telling me this, Father?" said the woman.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:

"I tell you what; let's go and screw those boys"

The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:

"Out of what?"
I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling.

I wish the priest could've just picked a position and fucked me!
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
A woman goes for confession, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
She whispers all the horrible things she does until the priest shouts, "Enough, I will not bless you for such despicable acts. You are going to hell, you satanic whore."


"Bless you...damn it."