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A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn't mind doing the confessions whilst he's away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.

The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. "You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass."

Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.

Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a man's cock in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"

Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."
This morning I woke up with the hangover from hell. I stumbled through into the kitchen only to find that the fridge was empty, and when I went for a shower, I discovered that my boiler has packed up and there was no hot water.
When I left to go to work, my car wouldn't start, and so I had to walk there in the pouring rain, getting soaked. When I arrived, my boss gave me a heap of extra work, so I didn't even have time to get any lunch, and to make things worse, at the end of the day, he called me into his office to tell me that I was being laid off.
When walking back home, again through the rain, a man jumped out of a hedge just around the corner from where I live, and he proceeded to beat and rape me. At one point he grabbed my tits, and said he could feel a lump, before running off.
I went to the doctor's, who had a look and diagnosed me with late-stage breast cancer. It also turns out that I am now pregnant as a result of the rape, though as I have only been given a few months to live, my baby will also die.

Carlsberg don't do days, but if they did, they would probably be as terrible as their shitty lager.
London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
I called British Gas today and said, "My boiler isn't working and my house is freezing cold, even my poor dog is sitting in the corner of the room shivering."

"Okay," he replied, "How long has it been like that?"

I said, "Since the boiler stopped working."
A British Gas engineer turned up at my house at 9am this morning and said, "I understand you called us yesterday to say that your boiler had gone?"

"Yes, that's correct." I replied.

"Ok, where is it?" he asked.

I opened my cupboard and said, "Fuck knows, it's usually in here."
I've just had a new satellite system installed which picks up loads of german porn channels. I think they should dub the porn into english because it's so hard to follow in German.

I mean, is he going to fix the boiler or not?
Following news of claims for moat cleaning, bbq sets, swimming pool boiler servicing and 'general repairs, stable etc',

has anyone else noticed that there haven't been any of those DSS ads for 'benefit fraudsters' lately?

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