Search Results for "christian"

When I was putting my Christmas lights up this morning I wasn't sure if it would offend my Non-christian neighbours...

So to be sure I painted a massive swastika on my garage door too.
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
As a christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel.

The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.

Whereas Jesus...
TV > Sport
A plane carrying christian missionaries crashes in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote desert island. Stranded all alone, with no hope of rescue, the three are unable to resist temptation.

However, after a few months, the woman is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and so she kills herself.

Several months later, the two priests have a moment of clarity and realise they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing.

So they bury her.
I'm sweating like...

a dyslexic on Countdown
Neil Lennon's postman
a Sri Lankian on a tour bus
a Sickipedian Watching Grange Hill
a paedo in a playground
a fat man at a buffet
a nun at a cucumber stall
Gary Glitter in Mothercare
a fat bird at a disco
Rupert Murdoch's ink supplier
Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah
a Muslim at passport control
a blind lesbian in a fish market/sushi bar
a nigger on a rape charge
Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill
Michael Barrymore at a pool party
a Scouser in Dixons
a gerbil in a gay bar
a fat kid in a sweet shop
a pregnant nun
a Geordie in a job centre
a dog outside a Chinese restaurant
a priest at a boy-scout meeting
Fred West's babysitter
Michael Jackson on a bouncy castle
Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah
a Scouser watching Crimewatch
a necrophiliac in a mortuary
a Priest Watching CBBC
a Necrophiliac at a funeral
an American on Sickipedia
Jade Goody's stylist
Jade Goody trying to buy life insurance
an American at a dietitian
a racist in Bradford
a Jew in a shower
a coon at a Klan Rally
a Scotsman at a charity fund raiser
Jock Stein at a boy's club
Bill Clinton at a feminist meeting
a Brazilian on a tube train
a Jew in a tax office
a gypsy in a room full of spoons
a Jew at a half price bacon sale
an Obama at an inauguration
a Jew in 1940
a black worker in a recession
a rhino in a power shower
an emo in a knife factory
a Yank in an exam
Holly and Jessica at a caretaker's house
a yank in a tower
Peter Sutcliffe in a red light district
a fat bird on E
Gary Glitter's travel agent
Shannon at a family gathering
a white man in London
a car windscreen in Liverpool
Ian Huntley at bath time
Francesca speeding down a hill on a makeshift sledge
an African child whose village is being visited by Madonna
a ginger at a party
a kid with a weekend invite to Neverland
Gerry McCann in a game of Cluedo
an undertaker visiting a cancer ward
me after posting a joke
Benitez at a press conference
a ticking Muslim
an Arab taking flying lessons
a Scouser in a terraced stand
a white guy eating a Milky Bar
an epileptic watching a strobe light
a fat cunt
a Scouser at a job interview
Jack Tweedy on his wedding night
Michael Jackson's baby shower
a paedo in Mothercare
a man wearing leather trousers
your mum when i come over for tea
a white guy in Bradford
dad when my sisters pregnant
a fat cunt in Gregg's
your daughter when I come knocking
Anne Frank when she plays her drums
a blonde on a stuck escalator
Lee Bowyer in a mosque
Wayne Rooney in an old folks home
a Jew in Hitler's house
a doctor on his way to Glasgow Airport
Lee Evans
an Austrian girl in her dad's basement
Madeleine McCann in Portugal
Muhammad Ali in a buckaroo competition
a paedo in a peter pan production
a paedo during WWII who's just found out he's going to be looking after some evacuees
a RBS employee sticking some paper through a shredder
Michael Jackson in a nursery
Joseph Fritzl at a family reunion
a blind poof in a sausage factory
an American
an Aussie at a bush fire
Dwain Chambers at a drugs testing
Simon Weston at a barbecue
Michael Hutchence in an Australian hotel room
Jamie Bulger's mum in a shopping centre
a hooker in Ipswich
Chris Brown on an assault charge
a naked boy with a catholic priest
a hair on my gooch
a Paki bastard
a black man watching Crimewatch
a Drug Dealer in a Chemist
Michael J Fox playing Operation
Jill Dando with a gun against her head
a dog in Chinatown
my dick when CBBC comes on the TV
Rihanna when she hears, "Honey, I'm home!"
a small girl when faced with a large dangerous hill and a sheet of metal
a Swede in a STI clinic
a Brit in AA
a Frenchie in a shower
a Swiss with a Machine that could destroy the fucking planet
a Canadian near a seal
a Dutchman in Rehab
a fat girl's pussy
a Women in a car
a Gay in America
a farmer in the wake of a foot and mouth break out
Harold Shipman in a retirement home
Barack Obama In Alabama
Gazza at Happy Hour
a hooded rapist
a gardener who's hired a spade
a Prostitute in Ipswich
an arm pit
Ian Huntly at a man U game
Stephen Hawking with the runs
a nigger on a rape charge
a christian missionary in Islamabad
a nun in a cucumber field
Josef Fritzl and Wolfgang Priklopil on MTV Cribs
Joe McElderry climbing broke back mountain
Jill Dando trying to find the door key
an Alsatian in a police van
a Norwegian on an island
Ryan Giggs watching his wife setting up a Twitter account
a Coronation Street script editor
a Norwegian kid at Labour Camp
Suarez watching the African cup of nations
a Muslim on a bus of nine year old girls
an Arab through Customs
the last remaining Bee Gee
a Kenyan personal shopper
a window boarder in Croydon
like a Jimmy Savile in a morgue
Is the new Batman movie cursed? Consider the evidence:

1. Heath Ledger died from an overdose earlier this year.

2. christian Bale was arrested a few weeks ago.

3. Morgan Freeman was in a serious car crash on Sunday.

4. I'm planning to kidnap Maggie Gyllenhaal next weekend and keep her in my cellar as a sex slave for the rest of her natural life.

Spooky, eh?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas.

User Search Results for "christian"