The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."
A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgiveable mistake.
The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
Well, it's really nice.
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damn!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damn' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low.
A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.
What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
Four blondes are driving to Disney world. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sail-boat. I haven't seen him in years.
As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.
What's eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?
A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.)
PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 milligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don't run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counsellor is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day.
PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil.
DOCTOR: You're very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely.
PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again.
What's the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?
Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionery product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M's produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repercussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose - often referred to as an 'overdose' - of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops.
Why did the Czech tourist cross the road?
Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government.
How many Germans does it take to change a light-bulb?
Only one. It is a simple light-bulb, not an advanced 'home computer'.
Who is there please?
I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word 'boo', in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case.
Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a terrible break, the chances are you'll never walk again.
Why can't women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out?
They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms.
How can you tell that your girlfriend's too young for you?
Often the level of rapport induced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship's potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consensual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner.
What do you call a man with a tray on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.
What do Madeleine McCann's parents have in common with Rhys Jones's parents?
Both sets of parents outlived their infant children. (It is assumed, due to the substantial period of time since McCann went missing, that she is now deceased. However, this has yet to be confirmed by any official source.)
Due to fewer intrinsic external differences between the facial structures of African people when compared to those of Caucasians, Barack Obama is sometimes confused with Lewis Hamilton and Theo Walcott. Similarly, the current Israeli/Palestinian crisis is occasionally mistaken for that of footballer Paul Gascoigne. This is because Gascoigne was often endearingly known as 'Gazza', while the area of land most prominent in the Middle Eastern conflict is called Gaza - one letter away from the aforementioned 'Gazza', hence the confusion.
A man walks into a pub and orders three pints. He sits down with them and drinks them all to himself, then goes back to the bar and orders another three pints. Once again, he drinks them all to himself and returns for three more pints.
The barman, understandably rattled, asks him why he keeps ordering three at a time. The man explains that he has two riplet brothers, both in other countries, and they always have three pints at a time to pretend that they're together. The barman is touched by this.
This continues for several months until one day the man comes in and only asks for two pints. The barman offers his condolences.
The man thanks him, and sombrely finishes his drinks, in the knowledge that he will never again see his beloved brother.
What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?
A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.
A man dies and goes to heaven.
This is an assumption based on religious faith.
Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?
He has Motor Neurone disease.
What's black, white, and hungry?
The population of Zimbabwe.
A man is walking through the desert, searching desperately for water. Suddenly, he stumbles across a stall.
"Do you have any water, please?" he asks the merchant.
"Sorry mate, I only sell ties here" is the reply.
The man continues his increasingly futile bid for quenched thirst, and finally reaches another merchant.
"How can I help you, mate?"
"Water! I need water!"
"Well, you've come to the right place."
So the merchant gives the man some water, they shake hands, and have a long and hearty laugh over the redundancy of a tie shop in the desert.
-For every four birthdays you have, a Page 3 girl only has one. It's like the Leap Year of tits.
-If you are featured in the Problem Page photo story (continues tomorrow), chances are you are an attractive woman, who accidentally lezzes her equally attractive friend, and is left confused by her feelings.
-People who clearly have never read a book, or anything other than The Sun, in their lives, turn out to be quite prolific letter writers.
-It's okay to be a little bit racist. As long as you pretend to hate people for being asylum seekers, and not just because they are black.
-There is no problem on the political landscape that cannot be tackled by sending a big red bus and two girls who like to take their tits out in public.
-If you are unsure what to think about anything, there is a column on the left hand side of Page Six everyday that will do your thinking for you.
-When a Princess dies, you get no tits on page three for about two weeks. It's what she would have wanted.
-Brussells can go fuck itself, but we should all go to France for £1.
-All Muslims are mental, and want to kill you. Moderate Muslims only moderately want to kill you. but they still want to kill you.
-If 30,000 people die in a foreign country, it can only make the front page if some (usually about three) 'Britons' are also killed. Otherwise it's just some more dead brown people, and there's plenty more where they came from.
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
A policeman turns up at the station in the nude. His colleagues have a bit of a laugh until the duty sergeant walks in:
"What the fuck are you up to?"
"Erm, well, I was at this big party in a marquee and everyone was dancing away when suddenly the music stopped and this gorgeous girl got up on the stage and screamed, 'All the old hags, get the fuck out!', so all the ugly women left immediately. Then she shouted, 'All the girls take off your clothes!' and all the girls got undressed. Then she yelled, 'Down on the floor and spread your legs!' and they all obeyed once again. Then she came out with, 'All the men take off your clothes!', which is exactly what we did. Then she screamed, 'Right you guys - go to work!', so here I am ..."