Jade Goody – A Biography (taken from the News of The World)

1. She faced court action over thousands of pounds of unpaid rent.
2. Just hours after arriving (on Big Brother), she had flashed one of her boobs and left viewers stunned with a torrent of foul language.
3. Jade was a figure of ridicule. She was branded a “pig”, two-faced and ignorant. Rival contestants labelled her “thick” and “ugly”.
4. Viewers switched on to watch tipsy Jade strip of [...]

Jade Goody – A Biography (taken from the News of The World)

1. She faced court action over thousands of pounds of unpaid rent.
2. Just hours after arriving (on Big Brother), she had flashed one of her boobs and left viewers stunned with a torrent of foul language.
3. Jade was a figure of ridicule. She was branded a “pig”, two-faced and ignorant. Rival contestants labelled her “thick” and “ugly”.
4. Viewers switched on to watch tipsy Jade strip off during a drinking game to flash her “kebab”.
5. She thought East Anglia was called East Angular, and that it was somewhere near Tunisia. And she reckoned Rio de Janeiro was a person.
6. Jade kept trotting out the clangers . . . Mona Lisa was painted by “Pistachio”, Mother Teresa was from Germany, Portugal was “in Spain” and “Saddam Hussein was a boxer”.
7. Jade put it best herself when she confessed: “I may not be the sharpest tool in the sandwich box.”
8. “If I hadn’t made it on Big Brother I would probably have been living in a council flat with my mum.”
9. Lapping up the publicity, she once told a reporter she planned to dedicate a room in her house to all her front-page covers.
10. She started dating Jack Tweed. Jade had spotted him in a nightclub before, but had no idea he was six years her junior. She was smitten from the start, and the couple had sex on their first date at London’s Sanderson Hotel.
11. Their romance was to be played out in the full glare of the public when they both went into the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2007—joined by Jade’s mum Jackiey. But the programme that made Jade almost broke her this time as she became embroiled in a race row with Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. She ranted at the actress: “You’re not some princess in f*****g Neverland. I don’t give a s**t. You’re a normal housemate like everybody else. You need to come to terms with that.” She added: “Go back to the slums and find out what real life is about lady.”
12. Later Jade confessed she wanted to headbutt the Indian actress and branded her “Shilpa Poppadom”.
13. Jade’s popularity nosedived overnight and Ofcom received a staggering 45,000 complaints. Her perfume was removed from the shelves and her autobiography dropped by publishers.
14. She then contracted cancer and turned out to be a fucking saint.

The end

I was driving round a packed car park for ages looking for a space, when finally this old lady started to leave. I drove into the space as quickly as I could, only to hear the angry beeping of a car horn behind me.

An Indian guy got out and said: "Hey, you can't take that space, I've been here for nearly an hour!"

I got out, slammed my door and said as I walked away: "Well I've been here my whole lif [...]

I was driving round a packed car park for ages looking for a space, when finally this old lady started to leave. I drove into the space as quickly as I could, only to hear the angry beeping of a car horn behind me.

An Indian guy got out and said: "Hey, you can't take that space, I've been here for nearly an hour!"

I got out, slammed my door and said as I walked away: "Well I've been here my whole life, so fuck off!" 

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour Reveal the rest of this joke

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

Dermot O' Leary asked lady gaga after her performance, "Have you got any advice for the guys backstage?"

"Just be yourself," says lady gag [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke

Dermot O' Leary asked lady gaga after her performance, "Have you got any advice for the guys backstage?"

"Just be yourself," says lady gaga, lying in a giant bath, partially dressed as a transformer, with horns sticking out of her head.