Search Results for "paddy"

Murphy calls to see his mate paddy, who has a broken leg.

paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.

A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"

paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
Seven Englishman and an Irishman are in a rape line up....

The victim walks in and paddy steps forward and shouts, "That's her, the miserable frigid fucker!"
Zoo keeper says to paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:

1st I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd my family must never know.

3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"
paddy phones EasyJet to book a flight.
"Certainly, sir," replies the assistant. "And how many will be flying with you, Mr O'Toole?"
paddy replies, "How the fuck should I know? It's your plane."
Abdul and paddy are begging outside a railway station. Abdul has a Mercedes, a large house and is loaded, paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is overflowing with with numerous notes but paddy has just a few coppers in his.
"How do you do it?" asks paddy.
"Look at your sign," says Abdul.
paddy's sign reads: "Out of work, wife and six kids to support, please help."
paddy then looks at Abdul's sign, which says: "I only need another £20 to get back to Pakistan."
paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes paddy with them two arseholes'."
Billy stops paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

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