A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the n [...]

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best f [...]

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tel [...]

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb,
And she named him Billy,
She took it out behind the shed,
And sucked its little willy

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

[...]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb,
And she named him Billy,
She took it out behind the shed,
And sucked its little willy

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg."

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb
she took it to a wedding
she stood it up against a wall
and kicked its fucking head in.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn't stop it gruntin',
She took it down the garden path,
and kicked it's little cunt in.

Mary Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
"It doesn't, you cunt. The plants do."

Half a pound of tuppeny rice,
Half a pound of treacle,
That's what we cook our rats in,
KFC.

Now this is the story all about how
My sled got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I took a bad turn and caught mad air

In Soviet Georgia born and raised
On the ice luge where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, luging, relaxing all cool
Taking Russian hostages inside a school
When a couple of Reds, they were up to no good
Drove Russian tanks into my neighborhood [...]

Now this is the story all about how
My sled got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I took a bad turn and caught mad air

In Soviet Georgia born and raised
On the ice luge where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, luging, relaxing all cool
Taking Russian hostages inside a school
When a couple of Reds, they were up to no good
Drove Russian tanks into my neighborhood
One separatist movement and my mom got scared
And said "You're going to Vancouver to catch mad air"

I waited for my start and when it came near
the course said "fast" and had a concrete barrier
If anything I could say that this track was rare
But I though nah, forget it, Nodar, catch air!

I slid up to turn number seven or eight
And I yelled to my trainer "Comrade, it's hard to steer"
Flew into a wall and I was finally there
Killed my self while trying to catch mad air.

So picture the scene, if you will. Katie Price has just arrived home from the jungle, having been voted to do every bushtucker trial only to be kicked out first chance we got.

She arrives home to find her house in darkness. After turning the light on, she spies a note on the table:
"Dear Katie. I've taken the kids. Love, Peter."

She notices a tapping sound from across the house, and as she heads toward it she spies something written on the back:
[...]

So picture the scene, if you will. Katie Price has just arrived home from the jungle, having been voted to do every bushtucker trial only to be kicked out first chance we got.

She arrives home to find her house in darkness. After turning the light on, she spies a note on the table:
"Dear Katie. I've taken the kids. Love, Peter."

She notices a tapping sound from across the house, and as she heads toward it she spies something written on the back:
"Except the mong." it says, as she finds Harvey bumping into a wall repeatedly.

Do it, Peter. Fucking do it.