Search Results for "scotland"

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said. "You two whales are from scotland, aren't you?"
Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A cunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun
Police have charged a man for the murder of two French students in South London.

Making a statement outside scotland Yard this evening, Superintendent Brannigan said, "Since the furore over the shooting of that Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes in 2005 we can no longer provide this service for free."
It's true that sometimes your name matches what you do.

Stephen Ireland - played football for Ireland
Jason scotland - played football in scotland
Scott Speed - NASCAR driver
Tiger Woods - golfer
Cardinal Sin - Filipino archbishop of Manilla
Usain Bolt - fastest person in the world

God only knows what I’ll do. What does the future hold for Pete O' Fyle?
A car bomb has been found outside a Mosque in London.

scotland Yard have stated that the public have nothing to worry about as they've managed to push it inside!!
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the scotland job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
The UK Government has said that scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

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