Search Results for "scotland"

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said. "You two whales are from scotland, aren't you?"
Found this online and it has convinced me that Prince Philip is a founding member of Sickipedia, it's a list of many of his politically correct one-liners:

# "Still throwing spears?" (Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002)
# "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)
# "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (Speaking to a driving instructor in Oban, scotland)
# "It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)
# "You are a woman, aren't you?" (in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift)
# "You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)
# "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands)
# "You managed not to get eaten, then?" (in 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea)
# "If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)
# "Brazilians live there” (On key problems facing Brazil)
# "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (Sharing a joke with a blind, wheelchair-bound girl with a guide-dog)
# "In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation."
# 'Ever been on a plane before? It was just like that.' (To the leader of Paraguay when asked how his flight was)
# 'Deaf? I'm not surprised with that bloody racket!' (To a class of deaf children sat next to a brass band)
# 'Do you have a licence for that?' (To a man in a motorized wheelchair)
# 'If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.' (To British students in China during Royal visit there in 1986.)

The man should get a medal or something.
Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A cunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun
Police have charged a man for the murder of two French students in South London.

Making a statement outside scotland Yard this evening, Superintendent Brannigan said, "Since the furore over the shooting of that Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes in 2005 we can no longer provide this service for free."
It's true that sometimes your name matches what you do.

Stephen Ireland - played football for Ireland
Jason scotland - played football in scotland
Scott Speed - NASCAR driver
Tiger Woods - golfer
Cardinal Sin - Filipino archbishop of Manilla
Usain Bolt - fastest person in the world

God only knows what I’ll do. What does the future hold for Pete O' Fyle?
A car bomb has been found outside a Mosque in London.

scotland Yard have stated that the public have nothing to worry about as they've managed to push it inside!!
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the scotland job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

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