Fellas, there are just some stories that do not need to be repeated to your wife/girlfriend. Keep them to yourself. Go tell your mates over a pint. Fuck it, put them on here. Just don't tell them to your other half.
I came home from work the other night and was making the usual "how was your day" chit-chat crap with the wife, as she was mindlessly chopping something for our tea, so I hit her with the following:
"You know how Duke (our dog) likes to sits at my feet when I'm on the computer? Well, I was wanking to some Internet porn, and I came all over the dog. He just laid there looking at me with cum all over his head. It was the funniest fucking thing!"
So, she stopped chopping and could only think to reply, "Did you give the dog a bath after that?"