I'm sweating like...

a dyslexic on Countdown
a Sri Lankian on a tour bus
a Sickipedian Watching Grange Hill
a paedo in a playground
a fat man at a buffet
a nun at a cucumber stall
Gary Glitter in Mothercare
a fat bird at a disco
Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah
a Muslim at passport control
a blind lesbian in a fish market/sushi bar
a nigger on a rape charge
Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill
Michael Ba [...]

I'm sweating like...

a dyslexic on Countdown
a Sri Lankian on a tour bus
a Sickipedian Watching Grange Hill
a paedo in a playground
a fat man at a buffet
a nun at a cucumber stall
Gary Glitter in Mothercare
a fat bird at a disco
Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah
a Muslim at passport control
a blind lesbian in a fish market/sushi bar
a nigger on a rape charge
Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill
Michael Barrymore at a pool party
a Scouser in Dixons
a gerbil in a gay bar
a fat kid in a sweet shop
a pregnant nun
a Geordie in a job centre
a dog outside a Chinese restaurant
a priest at a boy-scout meeting
Fred West's babysitter
Michael Jackson on a bouncy castle
Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah
a Scouser watching Crimewatch
a necrophiliac in a mortuary
a Priest Watching CBBC
a Necrophiliac at a funeral
an American on Sickipedia
Jade Goody's stylist
Jade Goody trying to buy life insurance
an American at a dietitian
a racist in Bradford
a Jew in a shower
a coon at a Klan Rally
a Scotsman at a charity fund raiser
Jock Stein at a boy's club
Bill Clinton at a feminist meeting
a Brazilian on a tube train
a Jew in a tax office
a gypsy in a room full of spoons
a Jew at a half price bacon sale
an Obama at an inauguration
a Jew in 1940
a black worker in a recession
a rhino in a power shower
an emo in a knife factory
a Yank in an exam
Holly and Jessica at a caretaker's house
a yank in a tower
Peter Sutcliffe in a red light district
a fat bird on E
Gary Glitter's travel agent
Shannon at a family gathering
a white man in London
a car windscreen in Liverpool
Ian Huntley at bath time
Francesca speeding down a hill on a makeshift sledge
an African child whose village is being visited by Madonna
a ginger at a party
a kid with a weekend invite to Neverland
Jerry McCann in a game of Cluedo
an undertaker visiting a cancer ward
me after posting a joke
Benitez at a press conference
a ticking Muslim
an Arab taking flying lessons
a Scouser in a terraced stand
a white guy eating a Milky Bar
an epileptic watching a strobe light
a fat cunt
a Scouser at a job interview
Jack Tweedy on his wedding night
Michael Jackson's baby shower
a paedo in Mothercare
a man wearing leather trousers
your mum when i come over for tea
a white guy in Bradford
dad when my sisters pregnant
a fat cunt in Gregg's
your daughter when I come knocking
Anne Frank when she plays her drums
a blonde on a stuck escalator
Lee Bowyer in a mosque
Wayne Rooney in an old folks home
a Jew in Hitler's house
a doctor on his way to Glasgow Airport
Lee Evans
an Austrian girl in her dad's basement
Madeleine McCann in Portugal
Muhammad Ali in a buckaroo competition
a paedo in a peter pan production
a paedo during WWII who's just found out he's going to be looking after some evacuees
a RBS employee sticking some paper through a shredder
Michael Jackson in a nursery
Joseph Fritzl at a family reunion
a blind poof in a sausage factory
an American
an Aussie at a bush fire
Dwain Chambers at a drugs testing
Simon Weston at a barbecue
Michael Hutchence in an Australian hotel room
Jamie Bulger's mum in a shopping centre
a hooker in Ipswich
Chris Brown on an assault charge
a naked boy with a catholic priest
a hair on my gooch
a Paki bastard
a black man watching Crimewatch
a Drug Dealer in a Chemist
Michael J Fox playing Operation
Jill Dando with a gun against her head
a dog in Chinatown
my dick when CBBC comes on the TV
Rihanna when she hears, "Honey, I'm home!"
a small girl when faced with a large dangerous hill and a sheet of metal
a Swede in a STI clinic
a Brit in AA
a Frenchie in a shower
a Swiss with a Machine that could destroy the fucking planet
a Canadian near a seal
a Dutchman in Rehab
a fat girl's pussy
a Women in a car
a Gay in America
a farmer in the wake of a foot and mouth break out
Harold Shipman in a retirement home
Barack Obama In Alabama
Gazza at Happy Hour
a hooded rapist
a gardener who's hired a spade
a Prostitute in Ipswich
an arm pit
Ian Huntly at a man U game
Stephen Hawking with the runs
a nigger on a rape charge
a Christian missionary in Islamabad
a nun in a cucumber field
like Josef Fritzl and Wolfgang Priklopil on MTV Cribs
like Joe McElderry climbing broke back mountain
like Jill Dando trying to find the door key

The Sickipedia Awards!

Prize winners........bj

Most anticipated event. Winner: Jade Goody death!

Award for Daftest Cunt. Winner: Francesca Anobile!

Hide and Seek Champion. Winner: Madeleine McCann!

Living Legend Award. Winner: The Librarian!

And the Award for work over The past 25 years. Winner: [...]

The Sickipedia Awards!

Prize winners........bj

Most anticipated event. Winner: Jade Goody death!

Award for Daftest Cunt. Winner: Francesca Anobile!

Hide and Seek Champion. Winner: Madeleine McCann!

Living Legend Award. Winner: The Librarian!

And the Award for work over The past 25 years. Winner: Josef Fritzl!

Literary Prize. Winner: Elisabeth Fritzl's Diary

Lifetime Achievement. Winner: baby P

Best Mum In The World. Winner: Karen Matthews

Ironic Suitable Name Award. Winner: Exodus Tyson

Best in Show. Winner: Susan Boyle.

Best Rolf Harris cover song.Winner: Michael Jackson for doing Two Little Boys

Services to Snow Business. Winner: Natasha Richardson

Outstanding contribution to politics, winner: Nick Griffin, BNP

Technological innovation. Winner: Apple's iPhone.
^ Can we get a clap for that?

Best nose dive award. Winner: Air France

Achievement in care-taking. Winner: Ian Huntley

Sporting Achievement. Winner: Newcastle United's Relegation

Sexiest Male: Susan Boyle

Sexiest Female: Cristiano Ronaldo

Services to Banality: Fles

"One Hit Wonder" award: Nangleberry Keen

Best advertising campaigns: Sheffield Star and Carlsberg

Rising talent: Little Johnny

Best Special Effects Make-up. Winner: Connie Culp

All-Round Male Award: Gary Glitter

Best supporting actor: David Carradine's rope

Best Game : GTA Merseyside Edition

Best one hit wonder: Princess Diana

Best looking male: Gordon Brown

Best Iranian by popular vote: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Best window cleaner: David Camerons son

Sexiest hair: Jade Goody

Shittest wedding: Jack Tweed and Jade Goody

Funniest celebrity death: Jade Goody

'Don't fuck with' award - Shilpa Sheti

Thieving coon award - Obama

Best Tolerance award - Jews

Best pair of Tits: Jordan ? and Peter Andre

Funkiest Muggers- Diversity

Best Building Demolition Crew- Al-Qaeda

Light Welterweight Boxing Champion- Chris Brown

Best Olympic Ski Athlete - Francesa Anobile

Award for Gary Glitter's Entertainment: The Children in Vietnam