Arsehole Jokes

I was vacuuming the other day when I tripped on the cord and landed on the nozzle, which violently entered my anus.

I was highly embarrassed and spent half an hour in the hospital waiting room desperately trying to convince everyone that I had actually been fucking myself with the hoover and that my wife does all the cleaning.
I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.

"Light brown, like everyone else," I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be!
I walked up to a woman in my local the other day and attempted to start conversation, but, before I could start she suddenly said, rather loudly, "No I will not have sex with you!".
Flabbergasted, and rather embarrassed, I stumbled over to a vacant table. Soon I was joined by the same woman who said to me , "Look, I'm really sorry. I'm a psychology student at Uni and I was just studying the behaviour people exhibit to embarrassment".
I replied "HOW FUCKING MUCH?!"
I was shagging the wife last night when out of the blue she stuck her finger up my arse. I won't lie , it wasn't unpleasant.



Until I realised that the dog was in the room and my wife was handcuffed.