Bestiality Jokes

I was looking for a new flat, and found a nice place in the centre of town that seemed ideal.

"It's only £600 a month," the woman told me. "But no children or pets."

I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.
I came home late last night and my wife noticed some scratches on my neck.

"What the fuck's been going on?" she yelled, "Been shagging another woman, have we?"

"Of course not," I protested, "It's from my mate's cat."

"Oh, well that's alright then," she said.

I just don't understand that bitch. Sleeping with other women is frowned upon, but fucking a cat is acceptable?
I was having a dirty webcam chat with a blonde last night. I said to her "How many fingers can you get inside your pussy?"

She replied "Ooh, I've never tried before. Let me have a go, I'll be right back."

Five minutes later she comes back breathing heavily and sweating. She tells me, "That was fun, I managed to get all ten in, but he scratched my arms to bits and shat all over my hand."
I confessed to my girlfriend that I'd lost my previous job as a primary school teacher for having sex with someone in my care.

She was horrified- "Oh my GOD! You're a paedo, get the hell away from me!"

I replied quickly "No I phrased that badly, I didn't have sex with one of the children"

"Oh thank God for that." she said in relief.

"But I am banned from keeping rabbits for ten years" I added.
I've just had a shit and realised there's no toilet paper.

After a few moments of wondering what to do, the cat strolled into the bathroom. I picked it up and did something I probably shouldn't have done.

Now I'm stuck here with no toilet paper, shit round my arsehole, and cat shit on my dick.