Blind Date Jokes

I was on a blind date with a girl last night. She said, "You seem like a nice guy. How come you're still single?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I suppose my standards are too high."

"Really?" she asked. "Well," I replied, "Take the girls in this bar for example... Wouldn't fuck her... Wouldn't fuck her... Wouldn't fuck her."

She looked shocked. I said, "What's wrong? Surprised by my honesty?"

She said, "That, and the fact that you pointed at me... Three times."
I went on a blind date last night.

I said to her, "Let's go back to my place for a shag."

"We've only just met," she replied, "I know nothing about you."

"What do you need to know?" I asked.

She said, "Well, for starters, what sort of things do you like?"

"Garlic mushrooms or olives," I replied.
My mate arranged a blind date for me. I met the girl outside a restaurant, holding a bib.

"What's that for?" she asked.

"I always wear this when I eat out," I replied.

"Dave did tell me you're a bit eccentric," she smiled.

"Yeah, and he told me that you're a gusher."
I went on a blind date last night.

I turned up at her parents house and met my date for the first time and, man, she was ugly.

Her father took me to one side and said, "You'll have her home by midnight."

I replied, "No fucking way...she'll be home by 10. You're not palming her off on me."
I decided to let my mate set me up on a blind date. I was a little worried.
"What do I do if she's ugly?"
My mates says
"Don't worry. When you meet her, if you don't like what you see just shout Aaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!! and fake an asthma attack."
So later that night I knocked on her door and when she came out she was the most beautiful and sexiest woman I'd ever met.

Then she suddenly shouts "Aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!" and starts rolling around on the floor.
As we sat in a restaurant last night, I looked at my blind date and said, "Here are my three children. Jack is the one on the left, he's 7. Charlie is the one in the middle, he's 5. And Daisy is one on the right, she's 3."

"They're adorable." she replied.

"This is my mum & dad," I continued, "And the two with the funny hats on are my brothers."

Suddenly she looked at her watch.

"Sorry," I said, "Am I boring you?"

She said, "No, I was just expecting us to be alone."