Fucking Jokes

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
An extremely ugly fat bird walks into a pub and shouts, "If anyone can guess my weight, they can shag me."
A guy in the corner replies, "93 stone, you fat cow."

"Close enough," she replies, "you lucky bastard!"
There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:

10. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

8. Where did all these fucking Indians come from? - Custer, 1877

7. Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Einstein, 1938

6. It does so fucking look like her! - Picasso, 1926

5. How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566

3. Scattered fucking showers, my arse! - Noah, 4314 BC

2 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1999

1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad. - Saddam Hussein, 2003

Added by doversole: Must get that fucking handrail fixed. - Robert Maxwell, 1991

added by woop123: i only wanted fucking world domination. - adolf hitler 1945

Added by paisterude: I have had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane - Samuel L Jackson, 2006
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whisky he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
"I've got some good news and some bad news," the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient nods his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of shagging. She asked me if I was into anything kinky, and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex catsuit with nipple-tassles, got her whip out of the cupboard, and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed.

Lustfully, and full of alcohol, she looked up to me and said, "Okay, now fuck me!"

So I left. No need for that kind of language.