Girlfriend Jokes

This is for you, Sarah:

Why do you condemn Sickipedia and say it is only sick and twisted people who post jokes here, yet drink Lambrini and laugh hysterically at equally offensive jokes on 'Mock the Week' when your friends are round the flat?

You are a total cunt. Pack your bags tonight and fuck off. It's over.
I found out by accident last night that my girlfriend is adopted.

We were in bed together and I'm shouting, "Who's the daddy, Who's the daddy?"

"I don't know!" she replied, "There's an agency looking for him but they don't have any clues."
Here's a tip for you:

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back.