Handjob Jokes

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
Some people say to me, "talk to the hand because the face ain't listening," but, inevitably, the hand won't listen either. So I started talking to my own hand and, you know, things went well, one thing led to another and, before you know it, we were in my room having a great hand job.
My daughter came up to me and asked, "Can I have £30 for this thing on eBay?"

"Kids today, "I replied, "When I was your age, I had to save up my money, what about getting a job?"

"There's only ten minutes left on the auction." she said, "What kind of job can I do to earn £30 in ten minutes?"

"Hand or blow," I said, "the choice is yours."
I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she said.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms."