Marriage Jokes

My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa looking miserable.

"Cheer up," I said.

"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."

"You're fab," I said.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're mine," I said.

"I know silly!" she chuckled.

"I love you," I said.

"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"

"Marry me," I said.

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"

"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.

"Fuck off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."
A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."

"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."

"Please don't say things like that."

"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."

"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder.

I've shaved my hair and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.
A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.

Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo.

"How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset."

"Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?"

"Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children."