Necrophiliac Jokes

Two Serbian soldiers are holed up guarding a hill top. After a while, Pieter tells his buddy he is off for a shit, and heads off looking for a bush.

After 20 minutes, Dimitri starts getting worried, as Pieter still has not returned. Time continues to pass, and, more and more, Dimitri fears his comrade in arms has been killed.

After an hour Dimitri, decides to get on the radio and is just about to call for a unit to search for his fellow soldier, when Pieter appears, bold as brass, with a huge grin on his face.

Dimitri: "Pieter! Fucking hell I thought you were dead! Where have you been?"

Pieter: "Well I went off to find a bush to take a shit in and, when I found one, I was crouching down, when I saw this beautiful Croatian bitch; gorgeous tits, legs to die for. So, I finish my shit and I go over and I start fondling her tits, I stick my finger in her cunt, then I take out my cock and I fuck her hard, then I come on her tits. After that, I roll her over and fuck her again in the arse, then I roll her over again and I come again all over her tits!"

Dmitri: "Did she then suck the last of your come from your cock?"

Pieter: "Don't be a fucking idiot! Her head had been blown off by a grenade!"
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive.
I was on a first date with a girl I'd fancied for a while and the conversation turned to sex. She said, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a girl?"

I said, "To be honest, I've only ever had sex once, so nothing that weird."
She said, "Once! What was her name?"

I said, "Mary something. I couldn't make out her surname."
She said, "Did you meet her in a loud club."

I said, "No. There was a lot of moss on the headstone."
A plane carrying Christian missionaries crashes in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote desert island. Stranded all alone, with no hope of rescue, the three are unable to resist temptation.

However, after a few months, the woman is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and so she kills herself.

Several months later, the two priests have a moment of clarity and realise they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing.

So they bury her.
Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuck it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evidence."

So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking. At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go."

Disgusted, I said: "Fuck off, you cunt! Not with the same straw!"