Periods Jokes

I picked this tart up and said, "Right, back to your place for a fuck."

She said, "No, I'm on my period, but you can come in for a drink if you like."

I said, "What do you think I am, a fucking vampire?"
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""
A farmer is looking really pissed off in his local pub when his friend asks him what's wrong.

"I can't get the bull to mate with the cows," he says.
His friend says, "Well I have a tip for you. When you get home, rub your hand over the cows cunt and smear it over the bulls nose and he will fuck them senseless."
So the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough, the bull is fucking every cow in sight. So the farmer thinks "If it works for the bull, then I'll try it on the wife tonight".
So that night, while his wife is asleep, he slides into bed and rubs his hand over his wife's cunt and smears it over his nose. He gets a raging hard on and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says "Take a look at this."

His wife switches the lamp on, turns round, looks at him and says "You woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."