Shit Jokes

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shit myself in the gents."
As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.

It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered.
I was having a pretty big shit last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my mother accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?

With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".