Size Jokes

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the fuck is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."
I read a text message my wife had sent to her best friend whilst going through her phone. It said, "Off to the shop to buy some AA batteries. I'm horny as hell and I want to hit the places my husband can't reach."

It would have been less embarrassing if she actually owned a vibrator.
My ex-girlfriend is trying to blackmail me by threatening to post full frontal nude photographs of me on the Internet.

I don't see why she thinks I'd be worried though. I've seen those photos and you can barely even make out my cock.
My guaranteed plan to get any girl: put a 12 inch ruler on my table at home, put a little mark by the 11 inch then invite her round for coffee.

If that doesn't work, just rape her.
I told my girlfriend I was leaving her.

"Is it because I make fun of your little willy?" she laughed.

"Not really." I replied. "I've just never been that into you."