Ugly Jokes

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."
I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cunt."
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't, you fucking idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."
I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single, aren't you?"

"How can you tell?" she said, in a sarcastic tone.

I said, "Because you're an ugly cunt!"
I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation.

She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.

I said, "You're not listening are you...?"