Women Jokes

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
A drug addict, a paedophile and a sadist are talking about what kind of women they like. The druggie says, "I like my women like I like my whisky: twenty years old and mixed up with coke."

"I like my women like I like my soda: a few months old and flat as hell," says the paedophile.

"Well," says the sadist, "I like my women like I like my wine: one hundred years old and locked up in a cellar."
I got a call at work today from the hospital. They said my wife had been admitted and she may have to be kept in overnight.

I was very worried; who would cook the dinner?
A couple realise they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.
"Look at this," demands the wife, "£30 on lager."
The husband replies, "Well, what about this? £30 on make up?"
The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling, I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."
The husband shouts back, "That's what the fucking lager was for!"