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| My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club. |    |
Joke by albinobob123, in Jokes with no home > Dog - Tagged alarm , dog , disabled - Current Score: 242 - Added: 1 month, 25 days ago
| I bought a Rape Alarm the other day. I'm always forgetting to rape someone. | |
Joke by Kash, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged alarm , rape - Current Score: 152 - Added: 5 months ago
| I don't know, the modern world. All these electrical apparatus that speak to you. I have a computer that tells me it has updated itself, an alarm clock that tells me its time to wake up, a sat-nav system that tells me the right direction and a bedside lamp that tells me to go out and kill women. | |
Joke by staffer, in Illness and mortality > Mental - Tagged bedside , lamp , satnav , alarm , apparatus , computer , maybe viz i dont know , yep vintage viz - Current Score: 151 - Added: 2 months, 30 days ago
| I slept through the alarm this morning, good thing it was only a small fire. | |
Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged alarm , fire , sleep - Current Score: 62 - Added: 4 months ago
| I just heard my next door neighbour's window smash and his burglar alarm went off so I immediately sprang into action... I went round there and got myself a free telly. | |
Joke by Guest, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged burglar , free , telly , neighbour , alarm , sprang , action - Current Score: 47 - Added: 8 months ago
| I wouldn't say my missus is a bad cook, but she uses the fucking smoke alarm as a timer. | |
Joke by discostu, in Jokes with no home > Wife - Tagged cook , cooking , alarm , wife - Current Score: 23 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." | |
Joke by mickle, in Jokes with no home > Marriage - Tagged man , wife , alarm , wake - Current Score: 14 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| What's a chav's favourite type of car? One without an alarm. | |
Joke by orangesweets, in Religion and racism > Chavs - Tagged chav , car , thief , steal , alarm - Current Score: 13 - Added: 1 year, 10 months ago
famous amos got buried to -6. Reveal Joke
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