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| What goes Huh? click, huh? click, huh? click........an american voting down our good fucking jokes |    |
Joke by geemack, in Celebrity and news events > Americans - Tagged american , americans , america , joke , jokes , vote , voting , fat yanks - Current Score: 1676 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. | |
Joke by lfever, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , britain , ship , lighthouse - Current Score: 884 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| I have finally found out how to stop Americans voting all the jokes down. Well it won't work for ever, but for hours at least. Americans: read the sentence below. Americans: read the sentence above. | |
Joke by connor, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged thick fucks , fatties , american - Current Score: 706 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "140." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research. The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "65." The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?" | |
Joke by bicycle day, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged robot , bar , american , iq , string theory , creationism - Current Score: 601 - Added: 1 month, 24 days ago
| An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser. The barman replied "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?" The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen." | |
Joke by Riggsy, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , fat , cunt - Current Score: 574 - Added: 1 month ago
| "Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard." | |
Joke by mamma mia, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , british , accent , greatest country - Current Score: 422 - Added: 4 months, 26 days ago
| *Here you go America! This one's for you. AND you'll be able to understand it!* Yo momma's so fat... she must be American. | |
Joke by Desired Username, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , momma , fat , obese , dumb , cunts - Current Score: 346 - Added: 5 months ago
| The infinite monkey theory states that an infinite number of monkeys hitting keys at random on a keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type the complete works of Shakespeare. I was wondering how many Americans hitting keys at random it would take before a Yank got a decent joke on Sickipedia. | |
Joke by baldlice, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged monkey , american , theory , joke , sickipedia - Current Score: 313 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day. John Cleese | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged john , cleese , john cleese , america , american , americas , usa , united states , united states of america , racism , queen , jfk - Current Score: 287 - Added: 9 months ago
| I was chatting to an American about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. I should know- I caught my foreskin in my zip that day. Which, by the way, was the 9th of November. | |
Joke by twayne, in Celebrity and news events > 9/11 - Tagged america , american , penis , zip , 9-11 - Current Score: 277 - Added: 5 months, 26 days ago
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