Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems okay when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

How do you start an argument with a chav? Speak!

TIP OF THE DAY!!! Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say, "just who do you think you are?"

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

I had a massive row with the wife last night. Fucking plates were flying, cups were flying. But in the end she did admit we've got a poltergeist.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his ex-wife."

A man and woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so fucking obsessed with getting laid?" The woman said, "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

Server: Custurd in 0.64s using 9 queries. She's 1.88% angry.
Sickipedia v2.1 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel