Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her 'perfect' gay male friend, but she screamed blue murder when I tried to shag her up the arse.

Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS" said Tom. "Oh fuck," said Tim. "Only kidding," said Tom, "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it."

What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!!

A man walks into a pub with his monkey. He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man. "He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord. "I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man. About two weeks later the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then pulls it out and eats it. The landlord having seen this asks the man, "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?" "No," says the man. "He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him. "Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's arse hole have in common? You know it's wrong, but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue!

Why are uncles like curries? Bad ones hurt your arsehole.

The "bishop" came to our church today. He was a fuckin impostor. Never once moved diagonally

Last night, my wife asked me if I wanted to share what our fantasies are with each other! She told me hers, having sex in a public place. When I told her mine she threw me out! Apparently, gagging her sister and forcing her to take it up the arse isn't appropriate! Women, eh?

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