Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

I said "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries. "Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out. "Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching. "Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my creamy load over their faces. Shall we give it a go?" My wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said. I said "Fuck me, you're into some weird shit."

I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her 'perfect' gay male friend, but she screamed blue murder when I tried to shag her up the arse.

The wife would make a great burglar.........her arse would rub out her footprints

I was talking to a mate last night after going out to get pissed, and he said the worst thing about it is in the morning, having less money and a sore head. Surely the worst thing to happen after a night out would be to wake up the next day with more money and a sore arse?

Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS" said Tom. "Oh fuck," said Tim. "Only kidding," said Tom, "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it."

Apparently if you only ever ate bananas you would never need to wipe your arse after having a crap. I wondered why my mate Leroy never seems to spend more than a minute in the shithouse.

What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!!

Why are uncles like curries? Bad ones hurt your arsehole.

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