A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

I was at a family gathering and I had a shocking realisation. I saw my mother-in-law, and it hit me - in 25 years time, that's what my wife will look like. But it wasn't all bad - it occured to me that, in 25 years, our young daughter will probably look like my wife does now - so there is always that option.

My wife gave birth to a baby boy last week. I was pretty disappointed because I was hoping for a girl. I mean, I'm not really into gay stuff.

What's black and runs into walls? Jordan's baby.

A Doctor goes into a hospital ward to see a pregnant lady, who has had terrible stomach cramps and fears for the unborn child... "Well, my dear, there's good news and bad news. We've run some tests and the bad news is that your baby has ginger hair." "Oh no!" she replies, "what's the good news?" The Doctor replies, "it's dead."

Part 1: How do you fit 50 babies into a bucket? With a blender. Part 2: How do you get them out again? Doritos.

A white bloke is awaiting his new baby in the delivery room. The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asks. "Probably," he replies, "she fucking burns everything."

What is the difference between a football and a three year old? You don't feel the urge to kick footballs in Tesco.

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