Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says, "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?" His Dad replies, "well, for a start, son, yours isn't erect."

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I'm conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath. I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him an injection, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing, throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room. The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband? The wife replies, If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 O'clock till after 11pm. "OK",the girl says. The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When she undresses ready to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that its strange that the girl has no pubic hairs Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair. "It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband. "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath", says the wife. So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife says " where's your pubes love?", and the girl says "pubes? I've never grown any", so wife pulls her knickers down and says "here, this is what you should have" and reveals a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out. Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife "She was lovely, but Why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?", and she says "you must have seen me a thousand times naked, why are you bothered?" and the bloke says- "I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't".

A nun is in the bath when there's a knock on the bathroom door. "Who is it?" shouted the nun. "The blind man" came the reply. The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn't be able to see her in all her glory, because he's blind. He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"

My hot water heater's packed up, so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... ...it was fucking uncomfortable when I got in.

Typical! When the missus emails her friends with photos of our daughter playing in the bath, all she gets back are replies saying how cute she is. When I send photos of our daughter in the buff to my friends online, I get four years.

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out. The manager asks, "did you buy a plug?" Paddy says, "you cunt! You never said it was electric!"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits." ------ BENNY HILL - ERNIE, THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST

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