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| Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill. |    |
Joke by We Are The Lemon, in Religion and racism > Hitler - Tagged hitler , suicide , gas , bill , death , jews , holocaust - Current Score: 226 - Added: 1 year, 9 months ago
| One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better. | |
Joke by anglebiter, in Illness and mortality > Diagnosis - Tagged doctor , tennis elbow , bill , machine - Current Score: 86 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Following the recent loss in the Champion's League final and missed penalty, it is reported that John Terry is on suicide watch. Which I think is going to be hosted by Bill Oddie. | |
Joke by AS, in Celebrity and news events > Champions League Final - Tagged john terry , chelsea , dead , bill , football - Current Score: 59 - Added: 4 months, 24 days ago
| Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking?" | |
Joke by hairynosedwombat, in Celebrity and news events > Politics - Tagged hilary , bill , clinton politics , bandwagon - Current Score: 55 - Added: 4 months, 25 days ago
| Bill Gates dies, and appears before God on Judgment Day. "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. "I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire." said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the Screen saver!!!" | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged windows , heaven , god , bill , gates - Current Score: 48 - Added: 8 months ago
| Bill Clinton isn't like other men. Other men get AIDS from sex. Clinton got sex from aides. | |
Joke by gartnavel, in Celebrity and news events > Bill Clinton - Tagged bill , clinton , lewinsky , sex , president , aids - Current Score: 20 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| Chelsea Clinton had been on a date so Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you"? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad." | |
Joke by exeter, in Celebrity and news events > Hillary Clinton - Tagged clinton , monica , chelsea , hillary , bill - Current Score: 19 - Added: 5 months, 15 days ago
| A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office? I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Illness and mortality > Doctor - Tagged doctor , lawer , bill , party - Current Score: 19 - Added: 10 months ago
| Bill and Ben are having a wash. Bill says, "Flobbadob-de-bobble-de-biddledy." To which Ben replies, "Look, if you do that again you can get the fuck out the bath." | |
Joke by RossMcG, in Jokes with no home > Fart - Tagged bill , ben , fart , bath - Current Score: 19 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch." | |
Joke by ht, in Celebrity and news events > Bill Clinton - Tagged clinton , hillary , bill , baseball - Current Score: 13 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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