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| I went into B&Q yesterday. I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails. He said, "how long do you want them?" I said, "I want to fucking keep 'em." |    |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged b&q , nails , bloke , diy - Current Score: 177 - Added: 5 months ago
| A bloke goes to see a psychiatrist. He lies down on the couch and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got the most terrible problem, I just can't seem to make any friends." The doctor nods and starts to make some notes. The man continues, "so come on! What are you going to do to help me, you fuckin' fat, ugly bastard?" | |
Joke by munkybars, in Illness and mortality > Psychiatrist - Tagged bloke , psychiatrist , friends , fat , ugly - Current Score: 158 - Added: 3 months ago
| A bloke walks into a pub and asks for six bottles of lager. Putting all 6 next to each other, he necks the first bottle, then the third and finally the fifth. “Excuse me,” the landlord says as the bloke turns to leave, “you've left three bottles untouched.” “I know,” the bloke says, “my doctor says it’s ok to have the odd drink.” | |
Joke by EdgarBriggs, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged bloke , landlord , doctor - Current Score: 142 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Jokes with no home > Trains - Tagged bloke , train , prawns , knitting - Current Score: 120 - Added: 11 months ago
| i once knew this bloke before he died, and i don't think this bloke ever lied, cos he had a wife with a fanny so wide, that she was never fuckin' satisfied, so he made her a prick out of shining steel, two brass and a fucking great wheel, the brass balls he filled em' with cream, ant the whole fuckin issue was driven by steam, round and round went the fucking great wheel, in and out went the prick of steel, untill she cried "enough, i'm fuckin' satisfied", but now we come to the horrible bit, there was no way of stopping it, her arsehole to her fanny was split, and the whole fuckin' issue was covered in shit | |
Joke by pornstar, in Sex and shit > Limerick - Tagged bloke , wife , steel , prick , steam , shit , brass , cream , fanny - Current Score: 54 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| This old bloke goes into an old folks home because he keeps falling over and his son can't keep his eye on him all the time. On his first day in the home, a female nurse comes along to give him a wash and she notices he has a slight erection. With that, she gives him a blow job. He gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a gobble and what a wonderful place it was. The following, day he's walking down a corridor and he falls over - suddenly, from behind, a male nurse gives him one up the arse. He gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the arse." His son says, "look, dad, so you took one up the arse - you got a blow job yesterday, you have to take the rough with the smooth." The old bloke says, "fuck off, I get a hard on three times a year but I fall over three times a fucking day." | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Pensioners - Tagged old , bloke , male , female , nurse , arse , phone , home , blow job , gobble , wash , erection - Current Score: 50 - Added: 1 year ago
| This bloke gets into a lift and standing there was a stunning blonde. The blonde says, "T.G.I.F." The bloke replies, "S.H.I.T." So then the blonde again says, "T.G.I.F." The bloke again replies with, "S.H.I.T." When the lifts doors open and the bloke is about to get out, the blonde looks at him and says, "Thank God It's Friday." The bloke looks up and says, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." | |
Joke by pornstar, in Celebrity and news events > viagra - Tagged blonde , lift , bloke , thursday.friday , tgif - Current Score: 41 - Added: 4 months ago
| This married couple have just been to a fancy dress party and they are dressed in a cow costume with the the bloke in the front and the woman in the back. They cross over a field and the woman hears running footsteps, then she shrieks "oh my god, its a bull coming, what shall we do?" The bloke says "I'm going to eat some grass...you better fuckin' brace yourself" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Fancy Dress - Tagged cow , bull , field , bloke , grass , costume , fancy dress party - Current Score: 41 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A bloke calls his wife from A&E. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works. "Oh my God!" cries the wife, "The whole finger?" "No," replies the bloke, "The one next to it." | |
Joke by mickle, in Illness and mortality > Amputation - Tagged bloke , finger , wife , whole - Current Score: 33 - Added: 7 months ago
| A bloke walks into his local and says "A pint of anything except Stella." The barman asks "What's wrong with Stella?" He complains "I had 15 pints last night and woke up fucking Skint!" The barman says "Well, i suppose 15 pints is gonna leave you a bit short." "Aye" says the man "But Skint is the name of my Jack Russel." | |
Joke by CUTTSY, in Sex and shit > Fuck - Tagged bloke , pub , barman , stella , skint , fucking - Current Score: 32 - Added: 8 months, 23 days ago
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