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| Viz Top Tips Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. |    |
Joke by Leanansidhe, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged tips , boring - Current Score: 166 - Added: 6 months, 15 days ago
| Necrophilia is dead boring. Try incest, it's only relatively boring. | |
Joke by mickle, in Sex and shit > Jail - Tagged necrophilia , boring , dead - Current Score: 66 - Added: 8 months ago
| Went to Bridgend for a night out, turned out pretty boring. Lots of people just hanging about. | |
Joke by mickle, in Celebrity and news events > Bridgend - Tagged night , out , boring , hanging , bridgend - Current Score: 57 - Added: 9 months, 17 days ago
| Shannon Matthews will have had all her self esteem and confidence destroyed by the events of the last three weeks. She couldn't even get a shag off a paedophile! | |
Joke by Guest, in Celebrity and news events > Shannon Matthews - Tagged shannon , matthews , again , boring - Current Score: 52 - Added: 8 months, 19 days ago
| SAT Science Exam Questions and Answers No, really. This is the state of the education system these days. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. | |
Joke by Mach, in Jokes with no home > Science - Tagged too long , boring - Current Score: 20 - Added: 6 months, 15 days ago
| I'm going to make the biggest ever jigsaw with half a million pieces. When its completed it will spell out, 'Get A Fucking Life' | |
Joke by purespasticated, in Jokes with no home > Jokes - Tagged jigsaw , losers , lonely , boring - Current Score: 20 - Added: 1 week ago
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