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| I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny; you couldn't even swing a cat in there. |    |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged cat , swing , tiny - Current Score: 225 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?" The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged moose , cat , canada , scottish , mountain , bar , whiskey , animal , antler - Current Score: 220 - Added: 7 months ago
| A man hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, it's there. Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it's there. So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife. "Put the cunt on," he says, "I'm fucking lost." | |
Joke by Nimrod, in Jokes with no home > Cat - Tagged cat , wife , man , dump - Current Score: 186 - Added: 5 months, 16 days ago
| I nearly hit a cat driving my car today. Who the fuck taught a cat to drive? | |
Joke by ReigatePen, in Jokes with no home > Cat - Tagged cat , driving - Current Score: 121 - Added: 4 months, 14 days ago
| My cat gave birth the other day. Today we watched the kittens climb out of their box for the first time. You should've seen the looks on their little faces - it was like "Why the fuck am I in the middle of a lake?" | |
Joke by Guest, in Jokes with no home > Cat - Tagged cat , kittens - Current Score: 110 - Added: 8 months, 8 days ago
| 3 mice are sat in a pub, having a few pints and they're discussing which one is the hardest. The first mouse says "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the floor." The second mouse replies "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!" The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door. "Where you going?" ask the other two. "I'm off home to fuck the cat!" | |
Joke by treefella22, in Religion and racism > Africans - Tagged mice , cat , fuck - Current Score: 96 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| A man walked into a pub with a sweating Ostrich under one arm and a sopping wet cat under the other and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" asked the landlord. "Pint of best bitter for me", said the man. "Stella", said the Ostrich, fanning itself with a beer mat. "Is it me, or is it hot in here?" "Pint of Guinness and I'm not buying." snarled the cat, shaking the water off it's back. "OK, that'll be six pound twenty, please guv." said the landlord. The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him. Fifteen minutes later the landlord noticed their glasses were empty and asked, "Same again, guv?" "No" said the man, "I think I'll have a stella", "And your, er - pets?" "Pint of Stella", said the Ostrich. "And make sure it's ice-cold. It's roasting in here." "I'll have a Pint of Guinness and I'm not fucking paying." said the cat. "And get me a towel, I'm soaking." The landlord complied and said: "That'll be seven pound ten pence, please, guv." The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him. An hour later their glasses were empty again and the landlord walked over to them and asked: "What'll you have?" "I'll have a vodka tonic", said the man. "Double brandy on the rocks", said the Ostrich. "And make sure there's plenty of ice in it. I'm burning up!" "Pint of Guinness and I'm still not paying." said the cat. "And get me another towel, this one's wringing wet!" The landlord complied and said: "OK. That'll be nine pound twenty, please." The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him. By now the landlord's curiosity had got the better of him and he asked: "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?" "I found this bottle on holiday in Turkey with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes." The landlord was intrigued. "May I ask what they were?" "Certainly", replied the man. "My first wish was that I would always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I wanted to buy." "That's a pretty clever wish. What were your other two wishes?" "That's where I blew it. I asked for a really hot bird with long legs and a tight, wet pussy." | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Religion and racism > Africans - Tagged geenie , bird , cat , bar - Current Score: 91 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| I'm worried that the survivors of the chinese earthquake will soon start to starve............being a bit cash strapped at the moment,I couldn't make a pledge to the Red Cross, so I posted my neighbours cat. | |
Joke by rs79, in Celebrity and news events > Chinese Earthquake - Tagged chinese survivors , post , cat - Current Score: 87 - Added: 6 months, 20 days ago
| A broad Yorkshireman went into the vet's. "I've come about t'cat." The vet asks, "Is it a tom?" "Nay, ah brung it wimmee." | |
Joke by GIZZARD, in Jokes with no home > YORKIE - Tagged yorkshire , cat , tom - Current Score: 82 - Added: 7 months, 3 days ago
| A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout. The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?" The man replies, "No, I left it at home." The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog." A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?" And the man replies, "No, I left it at home." Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat." A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey." The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?" | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Shit - Tagged dog , cat , cashier - Current Score: 71 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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