How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance." Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

A paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It's a foul night; lightning spearing the sky and thunder is crashing. The child looks up at the paedo and says "I'm scared". The paedophile says, "What the fuck are you moaning for? I've got to walk back on my own!"

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking speed it up then!"

Boy asks his mum, "is it wrong to have a willy?" "No,why?" she asks. "Well, Dad's sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"

A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child. The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case. "I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child's custody should not be handed to me", she pleaded. The man replied, "Your Honour, let me put it this way. If you put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke drops out, who's would it be... the machines or yours?"

Times really do change, when I was at school I always used to dream of fucking a teacher. Now I am a teacher all I seem to do is dream of fucking a pupil.

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