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| For Dads there is Fathers Day, For mothers there is Mothers Day, For Lovers there is Valentines Day but for Wankers there is Palm Sunday |    |
Joke by ht, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged church , wankers , days - Current Score: 166 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| The Reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street". The rev replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". To which the cop replies "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well finish". | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged church , drunk , flapps - Current Score: 116 - Added: 8 months, 19 days ago
| I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards. I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fuck off. | |
Joke by blakes, in Sex and shit > Marriage - Tagged wedding , marriage , church , ring , weddings , wedding video - Current Score: 114 - Added: 3 months, 25 days ago
| Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Tesco anymore either." | |
Joke by pdf1, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged sex , tesco , church , wife , husband - Current Score: 103 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| I took my car in for a service yesterday. You should have seen the look on the minister's face. | |
Joke by bawbag, in Jokes with no home > Cars - Tagged car , service , minister , church - Current Score: 66 - Added: 1 month, 12 days ago
| So let me see if I've got this straight about the Church of England. They are short of good Bishops, people who wear big red frocks and parade up and down generally making themselves the centre of attention, spending half their time getting involved in trivial arguments about what flowers should go where or droning on at a bored audience. But they don't want women or gays doing it? Talk about making life difficult for yourself.... | |
Joke by oxbridge, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged women. bishops , gays , church - Current Score: 45 - Added: 2 months, 25 days ago
| One day, the Pope ended his sermon with the Latin phrase "Tuti Homini" which means 'blessed be mankind'. The next Sunday, a women's activist group came up and said, "well, you blessed mankind why not womankind?" So the pope ended his sermon the next Sunday with "Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini", 'blessed be mankind and blessed be womankind'. The next Sunday, a gay rights group came up and said, "well, you blessed mankind and womankind, what about us gays, you fuckin prick? Are you going bless us too?" At the end of the next sermon he says, "Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini et Tuti Fruiti." | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Pope - Tagged pope , gay , tuti fruiti , latin , sermon , church - Current Score: 44 - Added: 2 months, 28 days ago
| I was mowing the grass at my local church last weekend to help out our ageing vicar. About halfway round a blackbird landed right in front of my mower, and before I knew what was happening blood was spraying everywhere.... including all over me! I went to tell the vicar what had happened, and apologised for not being able to finish the job, as I had to go to the hospital for an AIDS test. "What do you mean?" he said? "Black birds don't carry AIDS!" "This one does" says I, "She's Nigerian and was trying to steal the lead off the church roof when she fell off". | |
Joke by ItchyAnus, in Illness and mortality > AIDS - Tagged nignogs , aids , vicar , church - Current Score: 37 - Added: 3 months ago
| In front of the congregation the minister high up in his pulpit produced two glasses. Into both he placed two worms. In one glass he poured water and into the other he poured whisky. In the water glass the worm swum about quite happily. In the whisky glass the worm wriggled for a short while then died. "Now members of the congregation....Can you tell me what this means!" A voice echoed from the rear of the Church. "If you drink whisky, You won't get worms!" | |
Joke by BIRTHDAY DASTARD, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged whisky , worms , minister , church - Current Score: 36 - Added: 7 months, 23 days ago
| A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' | |
Joke by Chuckie F, in Illness and mortality > Old People - Tagged church , satan , old man , god - Current Score: 30 - Added: 5 months, 20 days ago
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