It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body. Take Gary Glitter for example; he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cock.

73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women.

The wife has got three double wardrobes full of "nothing to wear". I have a been granted a hanging space big enough for about four hangers and two drawers for my own clothes and I am the "selfish one".

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when".

All girls like clothes but I'm having to dig deep when I treat my girlfriend to a new top or pair of shoes. I can't imagine what it's like for those of you with girlfriends in adult sizes.

We were that poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop. Nothing wrong with that you might say. But do you realise how badly bullied you get going school dressed as a Japanese sniper.

My Wife was complaining today about how she needed new clothes and had nothing to wear. Lying cow, she's only worn her wedding dress once and hasn't even tried on the Schoolgirl Uniform I bought her.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."

I always thought "Queer Eye For The straight Guy" was about gay people picking out fashionable clothes for straight men. So I made some gay friends hoping that they would pick out some fashionable clothing for me. They just fucked me.

I was involved in a road accident the other day. The police interviewed me afterwards, they asked me what gear I was in at the moment of impact. I told them I was in armani jeans and a nike jumper.

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