I turned to the wife the other night and said "I'm going down the pub, get your coat" "Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink?" she asked. "No, I'm turning the heating off"

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

What's blue and fucks old ladies? Me in my lucky blue coat.

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

A beautiful woman is lying in a hospital bed about to undergo minor surgery. Soon after she is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone. While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her. When a third man comes over and begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient. "All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough," she says. "But when will I be having my operation?" The first man shrugs his shoulders. "Beats me. We're just painting the landing."

Bought my wife one of those new coats made out of hamster fur.........it looks great, but it took me 4 hours to get her off the Ferris Wheel in Blackpool.

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?" "Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!" Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?" Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates. On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!" Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven." Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here." Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven." Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!" Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!" Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad." So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat. God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!" "Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!" On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off. Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

Whats blue, hangs in the corner and doesn't fit any more? Ian Curtis.

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