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| A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery. One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt. The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments. After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead. "What happened?" demands a doctor... "Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply. |    |
Joke by sickfuck, in Illness and mortality > Coma - Tagged sex , coma , oral , doctor , nurse - Current Score: 413 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat. Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off." | |
Joke by Hercules Poirot, in Illness and mortality > Dying - Tagged hospital , coma , bad luck , women - Current Score: 139 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested, "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£300!" she cried. "£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40." "But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up." | |
Joke by mickle, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged vet , cat , dog , duck , woman , dead , coma - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 year ago
| A woman wakes in a hospital to find a doctor stood over her. She asks him what happened, to which he replies, "Madam, you were in a horrific car crash with your son and daughter and have just woken up from a coma." She says, "my son was an amazing footballer and could have been the next Pele. Where is he?" The Doctor replies, "he had his legs crushed and they had to be amputated." "And my daughter...she was a fantastic tennis player and could have won at Wimbledon. What about her"? He says "I'm afraid there was too much damage as she went through the window - we had to remove her arms." Emotionally crushed, the woman asks the doctor how long she had been in a coma and what date it was, to which he replied, "you were in a coma for six months, and today is April the first." She says, "April Fool's day - so were you joking?" "Ha ha, yeah... they both died on impact." | |
Joke by robydoby, in Illness and mortality > Car Crash - Tagged woman , doctor , crash , coma , footballer , pele , son , tennis , wimbledon , daughter , arms , legs , april fools , death - Current Score: 17 - Added: 1 month, 18 days ago
| Whenever my girlfriends take me back to their place, they always slip into something comfortable. A coma. | |
Joke by justincider, in Sex and shit > Girlfriend - Tagged place , slip , coma , comfortable - Current Score: 15 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| My aunt came round the other day. Fuck, I didn't even know she was in a coma! | |
Joke by rimmer, in Illness and mortality > Coma - Tagged aunt , coma - Current Score: 14 - Added: 1 week ago
| My son had a bad fall and has been in a coma in hospital for four months. We were sitting at his bedside when the consultant came in looking very serious and took us aside for a chat. He said "I'm afraid to have to tell you that you should prepare yourself for the worse". My wife collapsed in tears and sobbed "Oh God, no!! Don't tell me Westlife have offered to sing him a song!!". | |
Joke by itchyanus, in Jokes with no home > Westlife - Tagged the loif , westlife , coma , deathbed - Current Score: 11 - Added: 2 weeks ago
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