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| The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say." |    |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > true - Tagged toilet , crap , phone , toilet humour , gags , cunt - Current Score: 1797 - Added: 8 months ago
| I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead. | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged wonder , worry , crap , dead - Current Score: 1470 - Added: 8 months, 23 days ago
| We call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath. | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged grandad , spiderman , crap - Current Score: 949 - Added: 8 months ago
| Still no sign of Pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for Britain, is there? I say, next time they have one, fuck em! | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged earthquake , paki , sand , crap , fuck em - Current Score: 489 - Added: 8 months, 23 days ago
| If Men Wrote Problem Pages... Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal. | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged agony aunt , men , crap , shit - Current Score: 284 - Added: 9 months ago
| It's really bad in Bridgend, I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was | |
Joke by johnboy, in Celebrity and news events > Bridgend - Tagged bridgend , rope , crap - Current Score: 197 - Added: 9 months ago
| What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing That will put you over the top. | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > Not Sure - Tagged formula , work , crap - Current Score: 160 - Added: 9 months ago
| Apparantly Greater Manchester and Lancashire County Councils are struggling with a costly sewage treatment and recycling facility. They should ask Peter Kay for help- he is an expert at making money by re-using old shit over and over again. | |
Joke by bizlop, in Sex and shit > Shit - Tagged peter kay , peter , kay , bolton , manchester , shit , crap , bad stand up , comedy , garlic fucking bread - Current Score: 129 - Added: 7 months ago
| Congratulations. You have won the weight of your brain in sweets. To claim your free tic tac log onto www.thickasfuck.co.uk | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > insult - Tagged insult , winner , crap - Current Score: 118 - Added: 9 months ago
| Apparently if you only ever ate bananas you would never need to wipe your arse after having a crap. I wondered why my mate Leroy never seems to spend more than a minute in the shithouse. | |
Joke by got spunk, in Sex and shit > Black Cock - Tagged bananas , crap , shit , arse , wipe , niggers , monkeymen , coons - Current Score: 117 - Added: 2 months, 22 days ago
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