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| A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair-dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "go ahead, Father. Next!" |    |
Joke by welsh twat, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged priest , customs , hair dryer , celibacy - Current Score: 122 - Added: 4 months ago
| I hate people who take drugs. such as policemen, customs officers etc... | |
Joke by schlong69, in Illness and mortality > Drugs - Tagged drugs , police , customs - Current Score: 114 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| LIFE IN THE 1500'S- The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, It's raining cats and dogs. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying - a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, 'Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old'.. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.. And that's the truth... | |
Joke by whats the point, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged very long , qi , factual , historically , old english sayings , threash hold , bath water , wedding ritual , 9 days old , chew the fat , upper crust , wake , customs , dead ringer , saved by the bell - Current Score: 17 - Added: 5 months, 28 days ago
| An Israeli arrives at Heathrow airport. The customs official says to him, "occupation?" "No," replies the Israeli, "just visiting." | |
Joke by mickle, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged israeli , heathrow , airport , customs , occupation - Current Score: 10 - Added: 4 months ago
| My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. | |
Joke by cptnanabolic, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , iranian , customs , jimmy carr - Current Score: 9 - Added: 11 months ago
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